A babbling blog....

Not only does this blog appear to be an epic failure, so does my creativity.

I made a rash or silly decision that I am happy when I am making anything. Cooking, crafts, scrapbooks, and my newest hobby stamping. I do seem to enjoy it, but I don't seem to be able to create anything that the rest of the world appreciates. I am not one of those truly artsy-fartsy people you can say "Oh well, you just don't know what art is.". Heck I am not sure I know what art is so who am I to say others don't either?

We are talking about basic items, right now mainly cards and other stamped items. I am pretty simple in my design, I am pretty simple for the most part. My thought is if I am going to make it to give to someone else or to sell then it doesn't have to be overly difficult. I do appreciate the art of the project but can't spend 3 to 4 hours on one card.

So I sit here wondering if I am in over my head (a common problem for me), see I signed up to do a day at a local craft fair. I thought I was doing a good thing, price was right, even I should be able to make contacts and start my business moving forward. As, I prepare for the event I realize that I am in over my head. I had a wonderful friend come over today to help me prepare and we both seemed to suffer from creative block. Not much was accomplished. I was trying to prepare my order for these projects and I got nothing but a long list of things I would like to do, but no solid designs on what I wanted to do. So I look at spending several hundred dollars on thoughts but no solid ideas.

When, where, why and how did I become an epic failure?

I have been following the tragic story of little girl taking to soon from this world. I have been reading the posts her mom makes everyday as she deals with her loss. She plays the tapes she has of her little one and still has her clothes and toys to smell and I am jealous.

I'm not jealous that she has lost a child, unfortunately I too am in that 'club'. One too many parents are in and are saddened every time the club grows larger. I am jealous of the memories, I wish that I could say that I had had even one minute with my precious little boy. He died at 32 weeks gestation because my body failed, he was fine. Every now and then I pull out his little box they gave me at the hospital small clothes he wore briefly, little blankets that wrapped his little body.

I so want to be able to pull out pictures of him smiling. I would even be happy with one little picture of him pink and happiness on the face of his daddy and the family that was there to meet him. Instead I have two albums of pictures of him that are nothing but sadness. We never got to know our little man.

I in no way want to say that I know how this poor family feels because the loss of a child is different for all of us. My family is left with the sorrow of never knowing our angel and the warmth and love he would bring us. Her family is left with a house full of memories of the love their angel brought them, which in truth is probably far more painful. I truly believe that their road ahead is going to difficult.

It has been close to four years for us and some days, like today, it all comes rushing back. Other days are good days and we enjoy the life we have and keep him in our thoughts and know that he is with us in his own way.

My heart goes out to this family. All I can say is no words anyone says can make it better, there is no time limit to getting better. Don't let the words or expectations of others make you feel like you need to be somewhere you aren't in your grieving or healing.

For all the parents that have lost a child:

I am truly sorry for your loss.

I had the distinct pleasure of spending the day with my husband yesterday. I can't remember the last time I spent a day with just him and I. The harder I think about it I believe it was the weekend away just before our youngest was born. That would be 3 years ago. Three long years.

You would think that not spending a day totally alone for 3 years there would be a list a mile long of things we wanted to do. But in the end we came up with so little. We went to coffee with a friend and lingered and talked, then did a little shopping. Lunch alone without having to continue saying please sit down, pay attention, eat your dinner, etc. A browse through a book store, again the silence and ability to browse uninterrupted is a wonderful and amazing thing.

So although we 'did' nothing, I spent a day alone with my husband and was reminded of all the reasons we were together. I am a lucky woman in so many ways.

Well I am not sure if I am killing time or trying to move my mind forward.

My day yesterday started off great! Out the door organized and fairly on time. Kids dropped off at daycare and school. A couple of errands to be done. Costume inspection, is it correct for the play? Yep, YEAH!!! I will not be making another on the machine that doesn't want to sew. Even asked if I wanted to help her finish other costumes - the volunteer in me (which is bigger than I am and that is really big) managed to understand her limitations right now and said no. Now to get over the guilt. Dropped of material to the goddess of all things crafty, to sew a name on. Morning errands done.

Now to coffee with friends. It is always nice to sit there and chat about anything and everything that comes up. I love that I have friends that we can discuss about any topic without it being to sensitive or taboo. This blog would have to go x-rated if I got into it here. After coffee it was to the grand ole Target a second home. Did you know if you want to order 130 5x7 prints you have to manually edit every picture? An hour later they were being printed. A lovely lunch at a Japanese Steak House followed and then on to manicures and pedicures. So far the day has been very relaxing and enjoyable. That however eventually has to come to and end. Off to kill some time before my meeting that night.

Last nights meeting was for a non-profit organization that I volunteer for. I have a serious issue with volunteering and have a hard time saying no, even when I know I should. So our unit had a large upheaval last year and we are working with limited volunteer support on a unit level. I have step in and said I would help as much as I could. Even volunteered with another lady to be volunteer manager, but have been told that we are to intimidating and things can't be run like they were last year. Although we have stated we wanted to make changes and do the best we could to move forward. So everytime we opened our mouths last night we were met with a 'no other unit does it that way' okay but that doesn't mean we are doing it wrong, just not everyone elses way. Had a 30 minute discussion about how to bring in new people and leaders and then were told thanks we will put together the agenda and do what we want. Umm why waste our time if you are doing it your way in the end? I am saddened by the fact that our help seems to be unwanted just because we knew someone and what level of involvement we had with that person or the previous unit is unknown.

I miss working with men. I worked in IT and was often that only woman in my area. It was great! Men aren't pretentious and their feelings don't get all bent out of shapre for a year. You can (and I have) told a man that he could kiss my arse and I help him as soon as I could but he wasn't the most important issue I had. Know what? He responded to that reality check and our working relationship was much better after that. Tell a woman that and you will be in HR before you can say anything and then spend months or years trying to repair the damage.

Today is a new day and it will be a good one. I am not going to let it get to me. It is out of my control and it is not going to let it bother me. If you have read all this, I am sorry. I am long winded.

So I started this blog with the intention of venting and thinking and all that good stuff. Hmm it is a place to be selfish and self centered and I can't even keep up with that.

I have been working on several projects for the girls and myself. I have been ignoring my house with a passion, soon it will be hunt for underwear. Oh well. I have felt a little more alive making things and having a purpose.

I did an amateur photo shoot for a non profit organization my daughter is involved in. I mean that I am the amateur not the people being shot. I have lights I have borrowed from a friend, spotlights really. I do own a professional level camera but you know, just cause you own one doesn't mean you can take a picture worth crap. But hey my services are free and with that comes hours under hot lights, the threat of your camera being broken, and then the criticism when you give them their pictures. But all that known I am up late at night working hard on editing and cropping pictures and burning cd's.

My eldest is participating in her school's play. She is a villager, an extra really. But for the shy little thing who can barely speak to order her food, she is a villager. A mob participating villager screaming 'Kill the Beast'. I am so proud. In my pride I decided to hand maker her costume. Now you should know that I did have a time in my life I made 'period' clothing for a 'hobby' so this task should be no real problem. I had a great first day at it, until I realized that I was making Belle's costume for a villager - hmm not good. So off Bunny and I go for new fabric. We are still off to a good start. Day 2, apparently someone somewhere was having fun with me. My sewing machine no longer sews. It believes that thread is not necessary for sewing and continued to break it all day. It was a long and frustrating day but I did manage to complete it. I have my fingers crossed that no one will see all the start and stops in the seams. She is going to be the best dressed villager there - but that could just be mommy pride.

Well my cd's are done burning and my sweet dear hubby is upstairs awaiting my disruption of his slumber. I need sleep to get everyone out the door on time in the morning in preperation for my day out!!!!! Nothing says loving like quiet mommy time to do as she wishes.

Lets see if I can write again before the month disappears in the abyss.......

Well as predicted I am not very good at this whole blogging thing. It requires a level of dedication or attention that I cannot promise that I have.

I have on a whole been in a better mood than I have been in weeks. I had a great birthday and my hubby and daughters spoiled me. I had more fun watching my two year and eight year old give me the gifts they picked out themselves. My 8 year old picked out a beautiful heart necklace that turns out had an earth friendly aspect to it. My 2 year old decided mommy needed a Mickey Mouse watch and she makes sure that I put it on everyday. Their eyes were lit of excitement and pride. And my little one reminded me all day that we had to have cake so she could blow out the candles. So another birthday down and a year older. And my life? Didn't move forward.

I want to make something, design something, make things. Sounds probable and possibly easy. So what is holding me back? The ability to follow through on a project and I do not go to together. I am flighty and air headed. So I am anxious to go forward with anything in fear that it is yet another unfinished project in my life.

So enough self pity and moaning. I need to come up with a plan. Set goals for everyday and try to accomplish them. Now to get on the ball or off the couch or something.

I have spent hours reading blogs through general randomness. One thing that distracts me from these blogs is I have no idea what the story is. Where did it start? Why did it start? Who is this strange person I am reading about and what makes them so interesting.

So here is my who and why.

Who:

I am a thirtysomething (do not wish to divulge the exact age since I am currently not comfortable with it and my life at this point) wife and mother extrodinaire. Why Extrodinaire? What makes me special? Nothing really, but is nice to think of myself as so. I don't believe as a Stay at Home Mom (SAHM) I do anything exceptional or above any other mom. I have 2 beautiful daughters ages 2 and 8 whom my life seems to be dedicated to, I have a son in heaven watching lovingly over us. I am also married to a wonderful man. I am a volunteer for a youth organization focused on girls, I do not wish to state its name here as I am sure I will occasionally be venting. Occasionally I will help at my daughters new school but have cut back since she switched schools and they have an abundance of volunteers.

Why:

Well I am here cause one night my mommy and daddy spent a romantic evening together and 6 weeks later went "Uh-oh, it broke and the rabbit has died". But we don't need to go back that far. Why did I decide to start this blog. I need an outlet. Truth be told I may just forget that I started this and never write again, but in truth I am hoping to find a place to struggle through my thoughts and hopes. I also plan to share cute little antidotes that you can only get from 2 and 8 year old girls.

Before I decided to stay at home while pregnant with my son, I was a Network Engineer working with Network Security and the such. I worked mainly with men and one of the things I miss the most is dealing with men. Male hormones are so much easier to deal with. I have spent enough time in college that I could have multiple degrees and in the end I have none.

I love to read, but do it infrequently because I tend to get lost in a world that seems so much better than mine. I like to make things, have develled into many crafts, rarely ever stay with any for long. I like to do crosswords since they make me feel smart, unfortunately I don't think People crosswords and the likes are truly mentally straining.

So this is me, in a way it is sad, and in a way what the hell.