A babbling blog....

I have been following the tragic story of little girl taking to soon from this world. I have been reading the posts her mom makes everyday as she deals with her loss. She plays the tapes she has of her little one and still has her clothes and toys to smell and I am jealous.

I'm not jealous that she has lost a child, unfortunately I too am in that 'club'. One too many parents are in and are saddened every time the club grows larger. I am jealous of the memories, I wish that I could say that I had had even one minute with my precious little boy. He died at 32 weeks gestation because my body failed, he was fine. Every now and then I pull out his little box they gave me at the hospital small clothes he wore briefly, little blankets that wrapped his little body.

I so want to be able to pull out pictures of him smiling. I would even be happy with one little picture of him pink and happiness on the face of his daddy and the family that was there to meet him. Instead I have two albums of pictures of him that are nothing but sadness. We never got to know our little man.

I in no way want to say that I know how this poor family feels because the loss of a child is different for all of us. My family is left with the sorrow of never knowing our angel and the warmth and love he would bring us. Her family is left with a house full of memories of the love their angel brought them, which in truth is probably far more painful. I truly believe that their road ahead is going to difficult.

It has been close to four years for us and some days, like today, it all comes rushing back. Other days are good days and we enjoy the life we have and keep him in our thoughts and know that he is with us in his own way.

My heart goes out to this family. All I can say is no words anyone says can make it better, there is no time limit to getting better. Don't let the words or expectations of others make you feel like you need to be somewhere you aren't in your grieving or healing.

For all the parents that have lost a child:

I am truly sorry for your loss.

I had the distinct pleasure of spending the day with my husband yesterday. I can't remember the last time I spent a day with just him and I. The harder I think about it I believe it was the weekend away just before our youngest was born. That would be 3 years ago. Three long years.

You would think that not spending a day totally alone for 3 years there would be a list a mile long of things we wanted to do. But in the end we came up with so little. We went to coffee with a friend and lingered and talked, then did a little shopping. Lunch alone without having to continue saying please sit down, pay attention, eat your dinner, etc. A browse through a book store, again the silence and ability to browse uninterrupted is a wonderful and amazing thing.

So although we 'did' nothing, I spent a day alone with my husband and was reminded of all the reasons we were together. I am a lucky woman in so many ways.